Yet Another Musical

So here I am, getting ready to go into yet another Musical. I've tied the noose around my neck and am waiting for someone to push the chair out from under me. That's right, I've decided to be the STAGE MANAGER for Carousel, our winter musical. Thank god for Michelle being my assistant. I'm already on the breaking point, and this is supposed to be my break from insanity, this so called "winter break". I got my bold and italics back, HUZZAH!

My stomache is making bad noises. I think it's time for bed.

My internet is slowing dying.

Which is sad, in the extreme. Hmmm, what happened to my bold and italics? I must not have been paying attention. I though things looked to cool.

Anyway. I'm giving up on a lot of old friendships, yet at the same time reclaiming even older ones, and creating a shit load of new ones. I think as a Senior I'm a lot more eager to get to know people. Which doesn't really make sense, as I'm not really going to see them after this year... most likely.

I should be doing my calc homework. I really should. In fact... I think I will.

...

Yeah. Stuff.

I'm getting extremely Agrivated with people as of late. Or rather... again. It seems like I'm changing into this completely different person than I've been over the past 6 years. No make that 5. I'm pretty much reverting to what I was in 7th grade, only not half so shy.

I'm afraid Tilda and I aren't going to last as friend through the year and then I'm going to have to cry. I need to pull myself away from crew so that I can get an outside perspective on things again.

My Senior re-take pictures are tomorrow. I feel hideously fat and ugly. I want to look like i did last year. I gained over 20 lbs since last summer and I feel HUGE! The fact that I'm in Adventure Ed for Gym is not helping the health issues here, not at all. But then, Irene straightened my hair tonight. I am eternally gratefull to her. I invaded on her homework time and she was apologizing. As though I was going to do my homework. Ha, can you imagine?

Our Spring Break trip for Orchestra is making me more and more excited everyday. Prag, Vienna and Budapest(sp?). And I can have instant recall of Germany and oh my god I want to cry now. I miss that summer so much. I miss being with all my people for about a month straight and not having to deal with the stress of real life. I want to see Alma and tell her that I think she's really awesome and that I wish that I had fit her idea of an American. I need to get a package together for her and send it off for the Holidays.

I need a Teddy Bear.

IT'S NOT WORTH IT ANYMORE!

. And I give up.

I've been listening to the same song for the past 45 minutes. I feel like I'm stuck in a loop again. But I can't listen to anything else right now.

I thought I was over it. I thought I'd concured this need to be liked and wanted. Apparently I was wrong. I think he has this secret ability to know when I'm feeling like shit. He makes my day go from pretty damn shitty to me falling asleep with a smile. Of course I always wake up the next morning on the verge of tears when I remember that nothing real was part of the exchange.

I wonder if Bunny told him to.

Need to work on getting rid of my paranoia. I can't trust people and all i want to do is find that one person who i can just open up to and just cry on their shoulder for ages. Bunny came close, but I know if she had to decide between me or Em, it wouldn't be me. And god damn that just makes it twice as worse. I know I'm the secondary again and again. And then once I had the friend thing going with irene I just fuck it up again. I just want to call her right now and apologize. I didn't mean it. I can be nice to jim, I just want her to talk to me and not dislike me. Irene, she's the only one I thought I could never lose. Damn it to fucking hell.

School

School has been started for a week and a half now. I wanted to go to the Renn Faire this weekend but I don't see that happening. Instead I'm going to see Garden State again with Tilda-Bunny. Well, it'll be her first time, but I love that movie so much. And I need to buy the soundtrack as soon as I get my hands on some cash.

I suppose I should go start doing my homework now. Fare thee well.

End of a Summer

I have a whole stream of 'next summer's lining up. Just like I do every Summer. For once, i just want to do everything. I want to have the Summer that I'll never be able to live down. It will involve a whirlwind romance which will end suddenly and tragically and on my road to new love I will travel the world meeting all sorts of people and learning all sorts of things. I'll find a make-up artist who sees the beautiful princess behind the sad eyes and she'll make me beautiful and we'll travel around together. We'll pick up other people, and we'll create a band of such great friends we won't know what to do when I tell them I have to go back home and to school. But for the last week we'll do everything that any of us has ever dared dream to do. I'll have slept with most of the men in the group, but will still not have completely recovered from the loss of my beloved. In the end, it will be a hearfelt fare well and I'll be back home. Surrounded by friend whom I cherish, yet at the same time, I'll find that the walls seem to be caving in around me. I'll keep in touch with all of them, but it will never be the same, that one summer will be the one thing we would never forget, and slowly as the years pass, most of us would lose touch, only sometimes dropping an e-mail. Myself, I still would be without true love, but not without company on a chilly night. I will rush through the rest of my schooling, and after taking a very highly paying job and working there for two years, I will realize I can't live the lie anymore, and-after saving most of my earnings-will depart for a year traveling again. After traveling, I will write a novel based on my experiences which will be number one in the New York Times, and everyone will recognize me on the street. My story will be about my lost love, that brilliant summer, and how the world is meant to be lived to the fullest not cramped inside a stuffy office with people you can barely tolerate. When I reach 35, I will be sitting in a coffee shop and I will look out the window and see a man glancing in. Our eyes will catch and I will find some gleam of recognition in his eyes, and I will see something in him I thought I'd lost. He will have been the love which I thought lost forever. The one who had left me broken and realing. He will come in, and after ten years apart, we will look at each other over our coffees, me wondering if we could still love each other, him wondering if I would take him back once more. We will walk out together still not having spoken a word. People will see us strolling side by side and wonder what we mean to each other. He will instinctively walk me to my home which I have not moved from since he was torn from me, but I will own. We will both pause by the stairs and then try to speak at the same time. I will smile and throw my arms around him. He will pull me tightly to himself, and I will do my best not to cry. Six months later he will propose to me, and eventually we will marry.

And my life will be that awesome because of one summer. Sigh. Why can't that summer be this one?

BARBIE CONS ROCK!

Yes, I am a huge gigantic loser. Do you have a problem with that? I've just changed the type face color. And now it's bold too. I like it. Maybe a different color... There I like this one for now.

I have Senior Pictures tomorrow and I have to swing by the Business Office and see if I have any Outstanding whatevers-cause I want my schedule god damn it.

A lot has happened but none of it interesting enough to write about. my aunt martia left my uncle ron, that's still in the midst of drama so I can't write any details-in other words, i don't know any.

New color. Maybe a green? Green? Yes, I like green.

I'm looking forward to school starting in about two weeks. Isn't that sad? Not looking forward to filling out applications however. Those might just stab me.

I suppose I'm done for now. Fare thee well.

Some People

are too cool for school.

Which is why they get a job during the summer.

It was great to hang out with Tilda today. I guess I got used to seeing her everyday what with history and all that jazz. So yeah. And then, Wed, I saw Terminal with Emma. Brilliant movie, I thoroughly endorse it. I still refuse to see Farenheit 9/11. This is actually a shock, because I'm more towards liberal on the politcal and whatnot front. Emma was shocked when I told her. I have to find that article that put me off the movie still. If you want to see it, go ahead, I personally do not want to endorse it. At all.

Props can kiss my ass. Chunk wasn't there today, so it was just me and Tara, and then we had to go up to the attic, and we had terrible people for an attic run. God damn I want to shoot some people. Maybe I'll go downstairs later and watch Lady and the Tramp until 2 in the morning. And then wake up 6 hours later bitching about how little sleep I got. I have personality flaws. Many of them.

No one knows about this journal. Or at least, no one I know. I feel safe and calm. This is a good start.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!!!

It might just come true.

Yup, you can guess what that means. I got props mistress after all. Gah. Though I am happy, I can only think of myself as the fall back choice, and maybe not even that. Jeff said he insisted I be the next choice, and I wondered, what does that mean they would have chosen someone else over me? They can shove it, they can.

My schedule this summer is going to be extremely hectic for awhile. Week before tech week I have to do VBS. Luckily I get the 3-5th graders. Haha. I can't believe I was that horrible when I was little. There's no way.

Time to shut out the light.

I SEVERELY DISLIKE BEING LEFT OUT!!

I'm not happy with always being left out from Irene and Chelle's little outings. The only time they do shit with me is if I start it or if I happen to overhear them and express interest. Fuck them. I know they bitch about me when I'm not there. How annoying it is that I'm always doing stuff with other people. You wanna know why that is? Because they're not there. And they may as well just come out and be like. "you know what people, we are in love with each other. And though neither of us are lesbians, we will date each other and we will enjoy each other."

I am a jealous hag. I do not deserve the good attentions of those I call friends. I do not deserve friends as I will always be jealous of them. I should leave the country and then no one would notice.

Blarb

.

I lied. I'm not happy Jeff got the position. He's already been fucking master props for a musical. Fuck 'em all. The only reason he got it is because he was at the freaking meeting that I didn't even know was happening, and he expressed vocal interest, and Jay was too lazy to take a risk on another case that might be another Emily. Fuck 'em all. I would have done it and done it well.

As it is, I'm sick, and I think part of it is Psychosymatic. Or however you spell it. i IMed Em and asked if she would mind pulling me out of props to help her with painting. She agreed readily, and now she's going to help me downstairs with my fabric purging.

Also, on the way home-I rollerbladed from the Econo Shop-I first saw Tim P. I'd also seen him yesterday on my way to the school. It was weird. Then Devos caught up with me about a block from his house. And he was like, "Dude, you're going really slow." And I was like, "Yeah, especially considering I started 15 minutes before you." Then we discussed how he didn't know what the economy shop was, and I followed him home. He didn't know I lived even further south than he did. It was fun. Devos is a cool cat. Heh, it'd be funny if he was a real cat. Oh, he was rollerblading too. It would be sad if he had been walking.

And now my stomache is trying to kill me again, so I'm going to go finish writing my story.

Stupid People

Summer school started today, which means summer musical stuff started today as well. Rollerbladed there, wondering why the fuck I was going at all. It's hot out. Did stuff for a little while, and I'm still wondering what the fuck I'm doing there, and then people give me attitude and I'm just like, fuck this, I don't want to be here. So if she[meaning me] doesn't get a position, she's not staying for everything. I refuse. Oh god. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself when there's so much to do outside, I should get a job. Or just go out and find people. I can't hang with Em anymore as she's hanging out with people i only consider acquaintances. Bunny's got Emerson..i mean Brooks. Irene and michelle have each other, I don't hang out with just jeff, cause he scares me, nor just jim because I don't know him that well, and he's gay. I should give drea a ring and see if she wants to do something and selena too, but I'm sure their off with their other people/boyfriend.

Meanwhile my kitty is laying on the pillow next to me fast asleep, hust happy I'm near her. I guess I'm more like my cat than I thought, cause I'd be happy just to be near people right now. I bladed past Devos on my way home and was thinking, 'i wish I knew him better' I need to get some people skills.

School's Out

and for some reason I'm not happy. Something's wrong with me. Went to the picnic, and did nothing. I wanted too, but it was so damned hot and Irene was over on the other side and Tilda kidnapped me, and I felt bad, but it wasn't like either Irene or Chelle were excited that I showed up, Tilda was actually happy. So they can all shove it. I keep telling myself to just take a deep breath whenever I do this, cause it's stupid. I'm putting myself down and that makes me unhappy and I deserve to be happy. I just have to remember that almost as soon as I signed on-line Jim IMed me because he's awesome. Sometimes I wish that boy were straight, but then he'd probably be an ass...

But yeah, school's over and I feel nothing besides tired and kinda depressed. And neither of those things have much to do with school.

I don't have any friends I can really confide in anymore. Tilda, though we talk a lot and share secrets, it's more of two psyches giving each other therapy. Irene, though we've done a lot of stuff, she's got Michelle now, and I'm not necessary. She's noticed it too, that I'm kinda pushed to the side. Chelle, I get the feeling Chelle gets sick of me pretty easy sometimes. I need a Psych, cause they'd be paid to listen to me, and I wouldn't worry about whether or not I annoyed them. Crying is a sign of weakness.

ONE MORE FINAL AND I'M DONE

for the year. But I took my three hardest finals today, and I think I can wing the english thing tomorrow. Stupid play.

It doesn't feel like the end of the year. Could be because last year around this time, I was freaking out about packing for Germany. God I miss it. I would have been there by now a year ago. And that makes me cry. Seriously, I started crying in German class last week, not sobbing, but I cried. It was bad.

Oh man, I'm going to miss the seniors next year. AHHH I'M GOING TO BE A SENIOR!

I can't do this anymore. I'm through with growing up, I want to stop right here and now. And while I'm writing this, in a matter of weeks, when I look back at this, I'm not going to remember all the things going through my head, and I don't write fast enough to get them down. I'm sad now.

Four More Days of Endless Torture

I just have to keep looking ahead. That's the way things work. Look past the projects, look past the tests, and remember, there is a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I cannot wait till summer. I only hope the weather improves significantly, it has yet to reach 80. Hopefully it won't decide to on the day of graduation, because playing out on the field in this heat will kill me.

Meanwhile, I'm helping Tilda with her game of cat and mouse. Hopefully he'll come around one of these days and just let her pounce him.

My brain hurts

My dog is really weird.

So I'm sitting here in my room, typing away at the computer, and all of a sudden i hear this odd humming noise on the other side of my door. After a few seconds, I recognize it as my dog. So I open the door and she's standin there staring at me intently then starts wagging her tail and barges into my cramped and messy room. Then she storms back out, only she's really excited so she's trying to move really fast and quick like. But she's old and fat so she has trouble, because of her arthritis. So she's acting like this little puppy, and she's specifically aiming for me. It was hilarious, so i followed her down the stairs and she's still taunting me, wanting to play, and then my dad got up and distracted her with a bistcuit and I was disappointed.

The weirdest part is that at lunch today i was talking about how my dog doesn't love me anymore. It made me really happy. Oh man. I'd start telling you how sad I'm going to be when I certain event occurs, but then I'd start crying. So now I'm off to another imaginary conversation in my head between two imaginary characters that refuse to acknowledge my existance.

SAT's can go ahead and take a long trip down some stairs

1260 is not a good enough score for me. I'm relying on my good testing to get my into college, because my grades are average at best. Why can't I be like Stinky and get a 14-freaking-80. Blarb.

Am still waiting on the PSAE scores. And then I have the ACT on June 11th. Whoopie! Not. I suppose I should talk to my mom about a retake of the SAT. But I don't think I'd do much better. It's not really worth it.

Why isn't this year over yet?

Mutters Tag was schrechlich

yesterday was perhaps one of the worst days I've had in awhile. But I've complained enough about it, and I don't think I should put anything in here. Except... I went to get gas at the Shell by Julian and I go in to pay the attendant, and he's like "you have pimples on your face, did you eat too much chocolate?" direct quote my friends. direct quote. So yeah, I want to shove somethign very large down his throat.

Umm, I only have one class tomorrow due to the fact that I am going to Navy Pier to see King John. It shall be exciting. And...

I HAVE CONTACTS!!!!!!!!!!!

And that would be the highlight of my day, despite the fact that I have difficulties with getting them in. Once they're there though, it's all good.

Thus I leave you to mourn the lack of more interesting things. Ciao.

My Adventure of the Day

me: i just went out to Jewel to buy stuff
me [7:12 PM]: and on the way there
jim [7:12 PM]: ive read like 1/4 of the book. im happy
jim [7:12 PM]: oooh jewel's good stuff[]
me [7:12 PM]: i decided to check if there was frisbee so i drove by the schoo
jim [7:12 PM]: uh ohz. hot boys without shirts?
me [7:12 PM]: and then i saw a tall person with shaggy brown hair and i was like is that lawrence?
me [7:13 PM]: and it was
jim [7:13 PM]: LoL
me [7:13 PM]: so lawrence waves me down
jim [7:13 PM]: but was he shirtless?
me [7:13 PM]: *i am now by the tennis court*
me [7:13 PM]: no
jim [7:13 PM]: omg whoa.... continue
jim [7:13 PM]: ok
jim [7:13 PM]: lol
me [7:13 PM]: and he's like, what are you doing here?
me [7:13 PM]: and I'm like, driving, and he's like, oh
me [7:13 PM]: and i'm like
jim [7:13 PM]: LoL
jim [7:14 PM]: that does sound like something he'd say
me [7:14 PM]: I'm going to jewel and inspecting if there are any frisbee games
me [7:14 PM]: so he's like, hmmm
me [7:14 PM]: and I'm like
me [7:14 PM]: do you need a ride?
me [7:14 PM]: and he's like hmmm
jim [7:14 PM]: whoaa!!
jim [7:14 PM]: im SO envious of u
me [7:14 PM]: so he says to his friend, dude, i'm going home now, where's my hat?
jim [7:14 PM]: lol
me [7:14 PM]: an escapade to find his hat ensued
jim [7:15 PM]: oh my. im at the edge of my seat
me [7:15 PM]: then he got into the car, and I'm like, you don't mnd going to jewel do you?
me [7:15 PM]: and he was like, no
jim [7:15 PM]: whoa!!!!!!!!!!11
me [7:15 PM]: so we went to jewel
jim [7:15 PM]: THATS SO COOL!
me [7:15 PM]: and on the way there
jim [7:15 PM]: he's permanently on my good list
jim [7:15 PM]: thats so cool
me [7:15 PM]: he decided he wanted to change the cd, which i didn't mind
jim [7:15 PM]: mhmmm
me [7:15 PM]: so he put in a mix cd of mine
me [7:15 PM]: and then I got on lake strt
me [7:16 PM]: which was a mess as usual
jim [7:16 PM]: hehe
me [7:16 PM]: so i skipped the first three songs cause I was aggrivated
me [7:16 PM]: and then we got to that song
jim [7:16 PM]: eheh
me [7:16 PM]: from Cruel Intentions
me [7:16 PM]: you know
jim [7:16 PM]: oooh the seductive one??
me [7:16 PM]: the really awesome driving song?
jim [7:16 PM]: sure. that one
jim [7:16 PM]: lol
me [7:16 PM]: bittersweet symphony
me [7:16 PM]: or somethign
jim [7:16 PM]: thats a good one
jim [7:16 PM]: ive heard it.
me [7:16 PM]: so he's like, i like this song
jim [7:16 PM]: whoa.
me [7:17 PM]: and blasts it, then he tries to figure out how to open the windows
me [7:17 PM]: which was amusing
jim [7:17 PM]: why can't i hang out with a guy like him? hes so cool
jim [7:17 PM]: haha!!!!!
me [7:17 PM]: as he unlocked an relocked the doors numerous times
jim [7:17 PM]: lmao!
me [7:17 PM]: then i showed him where the controls were
jim [7:17 PM]: wow
me [7:17 PM]: and then we got to jewel
jim [7:17 PM]: can the story get any better?
jim [7:17 PM]: :)
me [7:17 PM]: and I was like okay, lawrence you're now carrying everything
jim [7:18 PM]: mmmm
me [7:18 PM]: and he was like, ummm, no thanks
jim [7:18 PM]: haha!
jim [7:18 PM]: horrible
me [7:18 PM]: so i was like, but you can, you're arms are all lanky
me [7:18 PM]: and he was like, i can but I don't want to
me [7:18 PM]: so i was like, okay go get a cart, and he was like, i elect you to get the cart
me [7:18 PM]: so i gave him the list, and went and stole a cart
jim [7:18 PM]: whoa
me [7:18 PM]: then he was like a little kid and he was riding on the cart
me [7:18 PM]: like a skateboard
me [7:19 PM]: and he stole candy
jim [7:19 PM]: dude, he's so hot.
jim [7:19 PM]: stole? uh oh
me [7:19 PM]: and then we checked out
me [7:19 PM]: and he paid me the ten dollars he owed me
me [7:19 PM]: and then I took him home
me [7:19 PM]: and then I found the frisbee game
me [7:19 PM]: and watched the shirtless guys for three minutes
me [7:19 PM]: and then I came home
me [7:19 PM]: and that was my adventure of the day
me [7:19 PM]: oh and I still have no paper
jim [7:19 PM]: wow
me [7:19 PM]: heehee
jim [7:19 PM]: i'm so jealous
me [7:20 PM]: it was completely by accident
jim [7:20 PM]: still
jim [7:20 PM]: thats muchos impressive
jim [7:20 PM]: i wish i could be randomly exciting like that

I HATE PAPERS!
So this quarter paper I have to write can kiss my ass.

Margaret Sanger did not support Eugenics, she merely supported that women should be allowed a form of protection from pregnancy and also be allowed abortions, safely.

Blarb.

And now I must flee this room in which i have confined my mind.

It has come that time once more. Time for me to celebrate the opening of a new journal. I think I've become addicted. WHEE!! And now to frolick off.

Well, i decided to experiment a bit with internet, so yeah.

Today, when I was sitting outside, I started watching the trees waving, and I was like, hey, the trees are waving at those girls. But, the girls didn't notice, or care, they were more interested in the rather attractive male in front of them. It was quite disappointing, but that happens.

Today was rather blah. Nothing too terribly exciting. Emily and Emmie finally hooked up yesterday. I find that to be inspiring. Mock trial was fun. Jim has upped my self-disaproval to self-appreciation.

Useless Youth should be the name of our band. Thank you very much Trenna. And now I am off to disappear.