My internet is slowing dying.

Which is sad, in the extreme. Hmmm, what happened to my bold and italics? I must not have been paying attention. I though things looked to cool.

Anyway. I'm giving up on a lot of old friendships, yet at the same time reclaiming even older ones, and creating a shit load of new ones. I think as a Senior I'm a lot more eager to get to know people. Which doesn't really make sense, as I'm not really going to see them after this year... most likely.

I should be doing my calc homework. I really should. In fact... I think I will.

...

Yeah. Stuff.

I'm getting extremely Agrivated with people as of late. Or rather... again. It seems like I'm changing into this completely different person than I've been over the past 6 years. No make that 5. I'm pretty much reverting to what I was in 7th grade, only not half so shy.

I'm afraid Tilda and I aren't going to last as friend through the year and then I'm going to have to cry. I need to pull myself away from crew so that I can get an outside perspective on things again.

My Senior re-take pictures are tomorrow. I feel hideously fat and ugly. I want to look like i did last year. I gained over 20 lbs since last summer and I feel HUGE! The fact that I'm in Adventure Ed for Gym is not helping the health issues here, not at all. But then, Irene straightened my hair tonight. I am eternally gratefull to her. I invaded on her homework time and she was apologizing. As though I was going to do my homework. Ha, can you imagine?

Our Spring Break trip for Orchestra is making me more and more excited everyday. Prag, Vienna and Budapest(sp?). And I can have instant recall of Germany and oh my god I want to cry now. I miss that summer so much. I miss being with all my people for about a month straight and not having to deal with the stress of real life. I want to see Alma and tell her that I think she's really awesome and that I wish that I had fit her idea of an American. I need to get a package together for her and send it off for the Holidays.

I need a Teddy Bear.

IT'S NOT WORTH IT ANYMORE!

. And I give up.

I've been listening to the same song for the past 45 minutes. I feel like I'm stuck in a loop again. But I can't listen to anything else right now.

I thought I was over it. I thought I'd concured this need to be liked and wanted. Apparently I was wrong. I think he has this secret ability to know when I'm feeling like shit. He makes my day go from pretty damn shitty to me falling asleep with a smile. Of course I always wake up the next morning on the verge of tears when I remember that nothing real was part of the exchange.

I wonder if Bunny told him to.

Need to work on getting rid of my paranoia. I can't trust people and all i want to do is find that one person who i can just open up to and just cry on their shoulder for ages. Bunny came close, but I know if she had to decide between me or Em, it wouldn't be me. And god damn that just makes it twice as worse. I know I'm the secondary again and again. And then once I had the friend thing going with irene I just fuck it up again. I just want to call her right now and apologize. I didn't mean it. I can be nice to jim, I just want her to talk to me and not dislike me. Irene, she's the only one I thought I could never lose. Damn it to fucking hell.

School

School has been started for a week and a half now. I wanted to go to the Renn Faire this weekend but I don't see that happening. Instead I'm going to see Garden State again with Tilda-Bunny. Well, it'll be her first time, but I love that movie so much. And I need to buy the soundtrack as soon as I get my hands on some cash.

I suppose I should go start doing my homework now. Fare thee well.