Two Years in the Making!

Holy Carp Monkeys! It's been over two years since this blog last saw the light of day. Amazing.

Much has changed and yet very little of it shows. In my sanity news: I now have a pooches - Greta. She has saved me countless mental breakdowns and freak outs. It's wonderful.

I have also made many decisions when it comes to friendships. In that, if I am being treated like crap, I am not going to tolerate a friendship in a sustained manner.

There's also the fact that I make a concerted effort to avoid "emo" moments.

Enough of this brief update perhaps I shall return... IN THE WORLD OF TOMORROOOWWWWW!!!!!!!

Happy Holidays all!

That's Just Effed Up

I think it's completely effed up when people start spamming blogs or whatever, or guestbooks. And it's all happening all at once, WTF?

Whatever, haven't been on in a while.

What happened to RunAwayGirl?

Why the hell am I still awake, I'm not out of school yet.

Sigh.

Getting trashed this weekend, I think. We'll see how it goes.

Evading Homework, MAD STYLE!

Runaway Girl, where did you go? I was offline for awhile, and I come back and your blog is gone! I hope you're all right.

Outside of that concern, I'm sitting around, not doing homework, or studying, or anything that might actually help me succeed in life. GRAWR!

I truly wish I had some kind of magical mystical thing that could make me want to do this shit. I'm staying awake. I shouldn't be awake. Awake leads to me being really really grumpy and bitchy all day. True I don't have to deal with many people, but yea. I'm meeting next year's roommate at Chipotle tomorrow... I hope. Oh god I'm so tired. Maybe just a little nap...

NO I MUST NOT SLEEP! So hard not to though.

A Bargain: study for a full hour and if you still want to sleep, you can do it then. for no more than 2.5 hours. deal?

deal.

hit another rough patch

It's kind of funny how I feel I have to post this out on the internet. But I post it in the blog that I know no one I know has even considered to exist. Maybe it's because of that whole business of how odd it is to be sharing most your intimate thoughts with the entire world wide web. But then, why should I care what a stranger thinks. Maybe it's some kind of cry for help. How the hell should I know.

All I know is that I scare myself sometime. It started happening this summer. I would sit in bed and I'd look around my room and I'd see something sharp, and wonder how much would it hurt if I just dragged it across my arm. Would it be quick? Would it be painful for days? Would I know when it went too deep? Would I cry out for help, or would I lay there in my room, bleeding to death, saturating my favorite things in the crimson blood.

Just typing that is giving me the chills, and I'm on the brink of tears. Why should I be thinking like that? Just because I don't have a support? I've been supporting myself emotionally since I was in grade school. The one person I thought would be my friend through the ages, I rarely talk to anymore, the newer friends whom I thought were almost my soulmates, they have their own new friends. Meanwhile, I'm left here, all on my own, wondering what exactly is wrong with me. Samantha called and said she's going to the party instead of coming over to watch the movie. I knew she would, something changed over break. Maybe I'm too clingy of a friend, or maybe I'm too boring. I think Drea is the only true friend I have. If I really needed to, I could call her day or night and she'd be there listening. Maybe that church connection is stronger than any other I have with my friends. It's funny in that I had a slightly rocky opinion of Drea. I rarely hate people, and when I do, I cannot be swayed to like them... ever.

Maybe I just need a good cry. But I can't. I can't make myself cry.

I want to be on my own. Completely. I want a good job, a nice home, a pet or two. And I want someone to be there with me. Either as a friend or whatever, I don't care. I want and need that pillar to be there for me. When I have a tough day or hit another rough patch, I need that warm shoulder to be there to coax the tears out of my tired eyes.

Fuck this is a damn emo post.

Life is Funny

So I'm finally away from home, and I haven't written here in awhile. Dorm life is phenomenal, in that I don't have parents to annoy the shit out of me.

I've been thinking a lot lately; too much, I'd say. But life is kinda funny. People have blogs all over the place, and you can't always tell if it's BS or not. But frankly, I don't think it matters. If you think it's BS and it's not interesting for you to read, then don't. I made an entire chain of fake xangas for all of the characters of a story I was writing. I got comments back, they thought they were real people - which was the goal. One of my friends even started doing it. We created an entirely new reality in which our characters were blogging into our own reality as well.

Anyway, pee time.

Boo for hormones

Being a girl bites major monkey ass.

Am still fallilng head over heals for someone I should stear clear of. It will only lead to trouble and I'm leaving in the fall. We'll be 2 hours apart. *groan* There's something wrong with me. I keep telling myself it's wrong. But everytime he gets near, I want to lock him in my closet and never let him out. If I had a real closet, and could lock it...

School is looking to be quite exciting. Despite the leaving everything I know far behind me. It's kinda scary in that effect.

I'm not sure what to do with myself anymore. I need to work on changing my attitude. Tonight was an obvious regression back into bitch mode. What ever will I do with myself.

I need a shoulder to lean into. Julia and I were talking during the show. And she was all, I don't even want the action, I just want someone so I can lean into them. It hit me hard. I want that; i've always wanted it. I never realized someone as pretty as Julia would have a problem like that. I mean, I can understand myself, I've made myself rather unapproachable. Despite everyone thinking I'm nice, weird. But yeah, I've made it so that people can't touch me or tease me or anything.

When we took our "senior ditch day" -- the unofficial version -- to downtown and the beach, he teased Amanda relentlessly. When Amanda asked why he didn't tease me, he said, "I respect her too much." Which is kind of odd. I'm so respected that people don't fool around with me. I mean, it's cool, but it puts me in a rather odd position. At the same time that I don't have people invading my bubble... i don't have people invading my bubble. Sigh. Yet another problem with me.

I think I only use this blog for ranting, self-pity, and just random weird stuff.

I miss my old best. I should have called them. They were probably in Chicago though. Sigh. I'll get over it, I will...

My dog is doing better though. Still arthritic, but better. The kitty is a druggie. Which is amusing.

And now i'm off.

Some people are just Stupid

...

I'm sick and tired of people trying to pretend they don't have any issues with me. Selena was being all, dude, I think you hate me. Which is fucking ridiculous, and then she was all, "I'm sorry." Only she still has issues with me, and she's not telling me about them, and I'm not in the right state of mind to be dealing with that.

....
that was april 10th, it is now the 18th. Yes. Selena's a bitch still. I don't like, and she can shove back up her self-centered, alcoholic, ass.