Some People

are too cool for school.

Which is why they get a job during the summer.

It was great to hang out with Tilda today. I guess I got used to seeing her everyday what with history and all that jazz. So yeah. And then, Wed, I saw Terminal with Emma. Brilliant movie, I thoroughly endorse it. I still refuse to see Farenheit 9/11. This is actually a shock, because I'm more towards liberal on the politcal and whatnot front. Emma was shocked when I told her. I have to find that article that put me off the movie still. If you want to see it, go ahead, I personally do not want to endorse it. At all.

Props can kiss my ass. Chunk wasn't there today, so it was just me and Tara, and then we had to go up to the attic, and we had terrible people for an attic run. God damn I want to shoot some people. Maybe I'll go downstairs later and watch Lady and the Tramp until 2 in the morning. And then wake up 6 hours later bitching about how little sleep I got. I have personality flaws. Many of them.

No one knows about this journal. Or at least, no one I know. I feel safe and calm. This is a good start.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!!!

It might just come true.

Yup, you can guess what that means. I got props mistress after all. Gah. Though I am happy, I can only think of myself as the fall back choice, and maybe not even that. Jeff said he insisted I be the next choice, and I wondered, what does that mean they would have chosen someone else over me? They can shove it, they can.

My schedule this summer is going to be extremely hectic for awhile. Week before tech week I have to do VBS. Luckily I get the 3-5th graders. Haha. I can't believe I was that horrible when I was little. There's no way.

Time to shut out the light.

I SEVERELY DISLIKE BEING LEFT OUT!!

I'm not happy with always being left out from Irene and Chelle's little outings. The only time they do shit with me is if I start it or if I happen to overhear them and express interest. Fuck them. I know they bitch about me when I'm not there. How annoying it is that I'm always doing stuff with other people. You wanna know why that is? Because they're not there. And they may as well just come out and be like. "you know what people, we are in love with each other. And though neither of us are lesbians, we will date each other and we will enjoy each other."

I am a jealous hag. I do not deserve the good attentions of those I call friends. I do not deserve friends as I will always be jealous of them. I should leave the country and then no one would notice.

Blarb

.

I lied. I'm not happy Jeff got the position. He's already been fucking master props for a musical. Fuck 'em all. The only reason he got it is because he was at the freaking meeting that I didn't even know was happening, and he expressed vocal interest, and Jay was too lazy to take a risk on another case that might be another Emily. Fuck 'em all. I would have done it and done it well.

As it is, I'm sick, and I think part of it is Psychosymatic. Or however you spell it. i IMed Em and asked if she would mind pulling me out of props to help her with painting. She agreed readily, and now she's going to help me downstairs with my fabric purging.

Also, on the way home-I rollerbladed from the Econo Shop-I first saw Tim P. I'd also seen him yesterday on my way to the school. It was weird. Then Devos caught up with me about a block from his house. And he was like, "Dude, you're going really slow." And I was like, "Yeah, especially considering I started 15 minutes before you." Then we discussed how he didn't know what the economy shop was, and I followed him home. He didn't know I lived even further south than he did. It was fun. Devos is a cool cat. Heh, it'd be funny if he was a real cat. Oh, he was rollerblading too. It would be sad if he had been walking.

And now my stomache is trying to kill me again, so I'm going to go finish writing my story.

Stupid People

Summer school started today, which means summer musical stuff started today as well. Rollerbladed there, wondering why the fuck I was going at all. It's hot out. Did stuff for a little while, and I'm still wondering what the fuck I'm doing there, and then people give me attitude and I'm just like, fuck this, I don't want to be here. So if she[meaning me] doesn't get a position, she's not staying for everything. I refuse. Oh god. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself when there's so much to do outside, I should get a job. Or just go out and find people. I can't hang with Em anymore as she's hanging out with people i only consider acquaintances. Bunny's got Emerson..i mean Brooks. Irene and michelle have each other, I don't hang out with just jeff, cause he scares me, nor just jim because I don't know him that well, and he's gay. I should give drea a ring and see if she wants to do something and selena too, but I'm sure their off with their other people/boyfriend.

Meanwhile my kitty is laying on the pillow next to me fast asleep, hust happy I'm near her. I guess I'm more like my cat than I thought, cause I'd be happy just to be near people right now. I bladed past Devos on my way home and was thinking, 'i wish I knew him better' I need to get some people skills.

School's Out

and for some reason I'm not happy. Something's wrong with me. Went to the picnic, and did nothing. I wanted too, but it was so damned hot and Irene was over on the other side and Tilda kidnapped me, and I felt bad, but it wasn't like either Irene or Chelle were excited that I showed up, Tilda was actually happy. So they can all shove it. I keep telling myself to just take a deep breath whenever I do this, cause it's stupid. I'm putting myself down and that makes me unhappy and I deserve to be happy. I just have to remember that almost as soon as I signed on-line Jim IMed me because he's awesome. Sometimes I wish that boy were straight, but then he'd probably be an ass...

But yeah, school's over and I feel nothing besides tired and kinda depressed. And neither of those things have much to do with school.

I don't have any friends I can really confide in anymore. Tilda, though we talk a lot and share secrets, it's more of two psyches giving each other therapy. Irene, though we've done a lot of stuff, she's got Michelle now, and I'm not necessary. She's noticed it too, that I'm kinda pushed to the side. Chelle, I get the feeling Chelle gets sick of me pretty easy sometimes. I need a Psych, cause they'd be paid to listen to me, and I wouldn't worry about whether or not I annoyed them. Crying is a sign of weakness.

ONE MORE FINAL AND I'M DONE

for the year. But I took my three hardest finals today, and I think I can wing the english thing tomorrow. Stupid play.

It doesn't feel like the end of the year. Could be because last year around this time, I was freaking out about packing for Germany. God I miss it. I would have been there by now a year ago. And that makes me cry. Seriously, I started crying in German class last week, not sobbing, but I cried. It was bad.

Oh man, I'm going to miss the seniors next year. AHHH I'M GOING TO BE A SENIOR!

I can't do this anymore. I'm through with growing up, I want to stop right here and now. And while I'm writing this, in a matter of weeks, when I look back at this, I'm not going to remember all the things going through my head, and I don't write fast enough to get them down. I'm sad now.

Four More Days of Endless Torture

I just have to keep looking ahead. That's the way things work. Look past the projects, look past the tests, and remember, there is a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I cannot wait till summer. I only hope the weather improves significantly, it has yet to reach 80. Hopefully it won't decide to on the day of graduation, because playing out on the field in this heat will kill me.

Meanwhile, I'm helping Tilda with her game of cat and mouse. Hopefully he'll come around one of these days and just let her pounce him.

My brain hurts